raw visionary

no man will ever satisfy me. i know that now, and i will never try to deny it. but this is actually okay, because i will never satisfy a man, either. it’s the truth now ,and it will be in the future. and while im not exactly happy about that truth, it doesn’t make me sad, either. i know its not my fault. its no one’s fault, really. or maybe it’s everyones fault. we all convince ourselves of things about any fictionalized portrayals of romance that happen to hit us in the right place, at the right time. this is why i will never be completely satisfied by a man, and this is why the kind of man i tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me we will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love.

my brain must be fried, i can’t even remember to update this thing. i was going to now and talk about somehting but i forget and i dont want to. i dont want this blog anymore. i’ve got a good idea for a website. no one reads this. no one will ever read this wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhehehh my beer belly is rumbling. more blue moon pleaze

no one loves me, neither do I

The first time I smoked pot I was thirteen. My boyfriend Derek and I were in seventh grade and he lived down the street. He was the first boy I ever ‘really’ liked. I think it was because he was bad. Derek once got out of school suspension for smoking a spliff on the bus when we were on our way home. He treated me like shit and I ate it up. We and a mutual friend named Jacob smoked out of Derek’s dirty pipe on my back deck in the late afternoon sunshine. I got banana popsicles out of the freezer to cool off our throats. When the wind blew, it slowly dragged the plastic wrapper across the glass patio table. It screeched so loudly that I giggled uncontrollably for what felt like an eternity. Jacob and Derek both looked at each other and said “Yep. She’s high.” Our friend Vince died of an overdose and I never could get a hold of Derek to talk about it.. we always used to hang out and I’d ride my bike and they wouldn’t because they were cooler than me. That’s fucking depressing. He’s got a kid now.. he named him something he would name him. Nostalgia is my least favorite emotion. I put it up there with sadness. Thinking about things make me sad because I can never go back. …how did this post turn so depressing? I’m a LOZER

PURPLE HAIR

i think it’s about time i start using what i’ve worked for. my mom is in the hospital with pneumonia, which is pretty scary but she is getting discharged today and will hopefully completely recover quickly. i feel sick. sarah keeps calling my phone and i don’t have the guts to pick up. i didn’t do anything wrong but i am being treated like some kind of home wrecker. i don’t know. it’s going to be weird seeing everyone at the show this weekend because i will be damned if i don’t see the appleseed cast on account of some marital issues i have no control over. i’m happy in my relationship that i initially used as a distraction from a lot of things, thinking that actually developing strong feelings was never going to happen. on second thought i don’t feel like writing at all. i feel like crawling under a rock. i feel sick and i am a terrible fucking person. I AM A SHITTY PERSON – DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH ME

3rd planet makes me cry now. really hard. i miss my friend.

i have to literally file for bankruptcy. how did this happen? why didn’t i just go home that night. why did i try to float by without insurance? who the hell would tell me my balance was written off when they hadn’t the slightest clue what they were talking about? thank God i don’t own my car then.. maybe it will take care of my credit card shit too. and when i’m 28 it’ll finally be off of my record, or maybe 29? yeah. i guess i’ll wait until then to ever get a house or another car. or probably go to college. happy 21st kalie, you fucking idiot.

if one more person says i am trying to pick people apart i am going to lose my fucking shit

fuck you birthday ruiner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can’t even begin to explain how apathetic i feel, assuming that’s because i am too jaded to do so. nothing is what it seems, even if it’s in your heart…maybe it’s wiser to go with your brian? and emotions are big as oceans, they’ll carry you away. they’ll wash you up on the beach like a shell. then you’ll get stomped on by tourists on coney island and stuffed into a purple backpack where the moist sand dries up and falls through the cracks of the zipper and you’re cold.. an miserable. and you know you’re a fucking asshole and most likely an alcoholic. but then you get off a plane, and you see your mother’s beautiful face. you hear her sweetly sharp midwestern accent and as she says “oh, kalie, you’ve gotten your nose pierced? your dad will be furious” all you can do is smile as you look around at the nicer less complicated skyline and feel whole again. i had to leave to miss home, i had to venture out and experience life and although i feel i barely did anything, i know i lived. i’ve never been so sure of myself. i’ve really never been happier.

i talked to the pilot about hemmingway for thirty minutes in my gate. we talked about school too, and how expectations are a nasty trait people have. when i got home my best friend came over and picked me up and squeezed me harder than anyone ever has. i’ve never been so absolutely crazily fond of someone in my entire life. i gave him his goofy nyc present and with a huge grin he said, and here’s yours! Life and times of tim… sarah silverman season 2.. and snl tv fun house. i’m so happy someone finally gets me. and don’t feel sorry for me, or wish that i find someone someday because when i was 30 seconds from dozing off i felt warmer than i ever have when my blanket was thrown on my back and the light was turned off. i’ve never really been tucked in before! i felt tears run down my face as everything faded into sleep.. the deep sleep i needed so badly. no squeaky bed. finally! REM! REM! REM!!!! maybe it was the xanax i’d been craving since thursday, maybe it was the cheap cocktail.. but the depression of rejection when my book had the first page torn out of it was just trying to release itself..i think. i think i’m sure? i know what was written, and the strong words comforted me. but to take them back shows the real inconstancy. the sneakiness of it all is the characteristic of a real lost one.

some people are allowed to feel sadness and grief, allowed to feel constant pain and loss. be grateful for what you have because it doesn’t happen with any of the families i know. stick through your education and boost up your self confidence, finding yourself can come next. otherwise, you’re just a college dropout who will probably end up serving food, becoming an alcoholic, and having high and low mood swings with her breakfast eggs. god what is with my fucking ranting? drinking champagne before 8 am…makes meeeeeeee stuuupiiiid HA!

in the dictionary and i’ll bet you’ll see my picture… probably blowing your boyfriend.

most people, anyway. why is it some people can accept my spacey nature while others simply classify me as “flaky”? i swear, i’m hardly flaky. if i “blow you off” it’s simply because, i forgot. it’s not you, it’s me. literally. like, i killed my brain. can’t remember stuff okay? so if you want to call me flaky.. just don’t. or you’ll send me into self loathing mode because i probably did want to hang with you if i said i would, and i’m now horribly embarrassed i can’t remember to do something simple as keep a promise to bullshit around the city for a few hours. i apologize, dear friends, you’re all i have in this crazy freaked out world… stick around – i’m a good person!

with no conscience. i feel no remorse when i do terrible things. and there really is a moment right before you’re about to do something super shitty where you really do second guess the actions you are about to involve yourself with… but i always ignore it.

AND I THINK IT’S FUNNY……………….what?

i understand its the assholes way of marketing but do you really need to target some poor gal who hardly posted because her life is so pathetically boring? just to show you how much of a loser i am i will leave your comments up so when no one clicks on them, you’ll realize i am hardly worth visiting. on the plus side, its exciting you stumbled upon my site!!!

yo la tengo was fucking amazing last night

our first dodgeball game was SO FUN! i even had fun reffing the first set of games an hour before i played. lawrence is so fun, i really love it there. we only lost by one point tonight, playing the champs from last year/the toughest team we’ll probably go up against. that gave me, well all of us, a lot of optimism for the rest of the season. i only knew i think, three people on our team? including the two friends i rode with so it was really fun to meet a lot of friendly, upbeat new people. i’m excited to see how well we do!

i ended up getting that day shift so here’s to making a lot of money!!!! (hopefully) i was going to say more but i can’t really think of much i want to say at this point.. except that i’m going to go see tawny again on tuesday with zo and hopefully pick up my fully-music-loaded ipod from ross on wednesday! oh! and probably an ABDC premiere party with btactic on thursday!!! what a wonderful week i have planned for myself!

Today was the busiest i have EVER seen work EVER! And it was really awesome. That girl got her job so…hoppppefffuuuullly.. I get to work days. I chit-chatted with Jordan today. It was good to talk to him and him sound genuinely excited to hear from me.

Also, my sister came by tonight. She was here for mmm 20 minutes? We didn’t talk at all really and then she left. I kind of really miss her a lot. Oh well, at least I am still close with my only two friends left! .. for the most part. Dodgeball starts Sunday – we are the MATHLETES. work tomorrow night, church sunday morning, then DB… so, unless something exciting happens.. I guess I’ll post after the game to tell you how much I suck at all sports.

Weren’t you just the biggest waste of money ever, rawvisionary.com? You most certainly were!
well, let me tell you what i’ve be doing!

I’ve been sleeping, cleaning my room, re-trashing my room, watching crappy movies, and eating
I finished my article about Lady Gaga being the most self absorbed piece of trash to ever be played on the radio waves but, it wasn’t very good. there’s some girl at work who is apparently getting a new job.. hopefully she does so i can take over her day shift and not have to ever work another night again. tomorrow is my parents 22nd anniversary. I’m proud of them for sticking together when we live in a society so accustomed to divorce and seperation. go my parents!

i can’t stand cocky attitudes, i really can’t.

WRITERS BLOCK SUCKS

that’s the noise my stomach is making. i have to stop putting all this toxic junk into my body. i just threw a bunch of clothes on the floor. then i will throw them in a bag… then i will take them to goodwill.

i just put the kettle on for some chamomile and just took something to make me real sleepy. gonna fight this tummy-ache the good old fashion way, SLEEP! i should sleep anyway. if i dont, i’ll just end up going downtown to help josh spend the $380 he found in the snow last night. i’ll eat too much cheesecake and i’ll be too obnoxious. besides, i feel like today is the day i will actually get halfway through franny and zooey.

my room is trashed, the workers are building our fence, and i think i’m a photographer.

not really, i just think it’s pretty. it’s nice and off center. like me!

I’m going to get a comment! i think maybe four people read this? and guess what? you’re all stupid assholes! want to know why? you can just leave comments, okay? you don’t need a username and all that.. i made it friendly for you.

my sister’s ex boyfriend is one craaaazy nut job. he’s one of those people that float by life on a cloud of hypocrisy and because he only associates with total airheads – no one even notices. it makes me nauesous. and furious. do you ever try to insult someone that’s so thick they’re untouchable? everything you say is just shot down by some junvinele response like “k… ur cool… bye” THATS THE WORST. makes my face hot and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. makes me wanna brawl u kno

I talked to a really interesting fellow tonight at work. we bullshit a bit while i was running around but when i got cut i sat down and talked to him a bit more and i am really glad i did. Totally great conversation, probably the best so far in twenty ten (with a stranger).. he looked like coach mcguirk. it was ridiculous.

exactly one month !

List of shit to do tomorrow:
clean room
there were other things but
i
cant
remember

]]

this stupid website is full of GARBAGE.

strong enough words to be my blogs headliner. every awesome poker play i made tonight would have been way cooler if you were watching.

songs have always reminded me of “love” but i guess i wasn’t “in it” because i never felt my cheeks so hot knowing somebody might actually share mutual feelings for the music and me! luckily i’m already completely infatuated with you, or playing poker & chugging shitty beer with married men might have been depressing. just gave me something to look forward to. well, something towards the end of the list.

listen to me ramble

just when i thought the best was past
I fell in love for real at last!
and ..it didn’t even matter that it had taken me so long.

COULD BE REALLY COOL!!

how hard is it!!!!!!!!!

today, dear readers, was a marvelous day. i can’t quite explain why. the sky was gloomy and my fingers burned from the cold. my dinner was terrible and gas is too expensive as a full tank was half a hundred. work was decent.. i got really overwhelming busy for a minute and then i spent the rest of my shift shuffling my feet and wiping off the same tables over and over.

ross called me about playing dodgeball and poker tomorrow to meet and chat with a few of his close pals that work at/for various venues because for some silly reason he thinks i’ve got good taste in music and wants to see me do something with myself… imagine that.

LIVE IT UP, MAN! LOVE THAT SHIT KICKIN’ MUSIC!

write here everyday!

i’ve only had this up for what, seven days? and i have already forgotten my biggest goal of 2010 – update daily.

i’ve done yoga for three days in a row now and i feel amazing. i also have given up cigarettes. it really wasn’t hard, i mostly only smoked when i was at work since i am a peon waitress, or when i was drinking socially with friends. i haven’t had a drink since new years eve, either. i’m extremely proud of that.

35 days. what? THIRTY FIVE? when i think about that my heart pounds a million miles a minute.

hopefully paula becomes the manager of bojo’s and i can quickly become the full-time bartender. i would love to do that. i love making drinks and i love drunk people. is that weird?

raw visionary more like raw nostrils!!!!!

the snow on the ground has piled passed the front stairs. it goes up my shins and blinds my corneas. after marching out the door in thin materials, destined for yoga class, i decided i need to start looking out of the window ahead of time. i missed church today because yet again, i woke up at four am and didn’t get back to bed until almost eight. i felt guilty so i did dishes, a lot of vacuuming, and a lot of scrubbing. as a reward my mom gave me a gift certificate for this massage place in north kansas city. i can’t wait!

I just stuffed my face with Olive Garden

I think I’m going to seek out a real job mid next month. I do adore my co-workers but I’m just straight fed-up with smelling like condiments.
RIP Rita

I guess I should trust my initial instincts more. Like when I get gut feelings that I ought to stay home for the evening. I’m an idiot and I love attention. More self esteem in 2010!